PopChronic

Tom Emanksi is an Effete Loser

2006-08-14T20:29:00.000-04:00

There was a time when an over-bearing father hoping to turn his embarrasment of a son into a journeyman, league-minimum major league ballplayer had only one place to turn. The welcoming arms of Fred McGriff and his employer - the great Tom Emanski.

Emanski's wisdom spread far and wide. Fantasy baseball teams were named in his honor. ESPN dedicated the short-lived ESPEMANSKI to showing his commercial around the clock. McGriff put one of the worst hats in the history of headgear on his mellon. It was a glorious age. Honestly, what could possibly top this?

Well, PopChronic will tell you what can top that.

As of tonight (or whenever the ad started - we just saw it tonight), fathers everywhere secretly harboring dreams of freeloading off embittered professional athletes of their own creation have a new Glorious Leader. Mr. Emanski, your reign of terror is over. Mr. McGriff, doff your cap for the new king of the (abusive?) middle school training video. We give you...

BILL PARCELS!!!

Coach, what can you tell us about your video?

Hi, I'm Bill Parcells, your head coach for Backyard Drills
"Over the years, people have paid me a whole lot of money because I know how to develop a winning attitude in young men. I know that together we can do the same with your son."

That's fantastic! And it's not just the Coach. If you buy the videos, check out the world-class staff he's assembled:

Danny Wuerffel - BYD^® Leadership

Quarterback

New Orleans Saints, Green Bay Packers, Chicago Bears,
Washington Redskins
6 NFL Seasons
2,123 passing yards
12 touchdown passes

Most Important Role: Father of 1 son

Danny Wuerffel? Seriously? Well, I guess Heath Shuler is too busy running for Congress.

If you must, check out the full site for the videos here.

Mr. Emanski, oh great guru of late-night commercials and esoteric headwear, what say you about this new challenge to your authority?

No Videos found for 'tom emanski'

No videos found, indeed.

Guten Tag, Guttenberg!

2006-08-09T10:45:00.000-04:00

Recently, this clip was brought to our attention:

It was described as the “worst thing you’ve ever seen.” It was recommended that after viewing, we first take a cleansing shower, then take a melon-baller to our retinas to avoid ever having to go through that ever again.

Steve Guttenberg has that effect on people.

It’s safe to say that no successful (it’s true! he was!) comedic actor has been as openly scorned by the once-adoring public this side of Joe Piscopo.

But here at PopChronic, we see The Gutte a little differently. When we look back at the Golden Years of Gutte, we see a lot to like: Short Circuit, Police Academy, Three Men and a Baby. We’ll even give a shout out to Cocoon, even though when we saw first saw it we found old people creepy, and spry old people doubly so (frankly, we still do).

These are the movies that made Steve Guttenberg a star, and they all have one thing in common: he wasn’t the star of them. No one was. Short Circuit was all about Johnny Five, and the others were strictly ensemble jobs. The Gutte’s an ensemble guy. The Gutte can make you better.

Which is why we need to stop thinking of Steve Guttenberg as a failure. Sure, he’s no Michael Jordan. But try, instead, putting him next to Scottie Pippen, or Richie Sambora. Both became superstars in their field because they were solid performers who made the people around them better. When Pippen went to the Blazers, he was just another mid-tier baller. When Sambora released Stranger In This Town solo, he got less radio play than Raffi (though he did get a nice Heather Locklear consolation prize). When you strap roller skates onto The Gutte, he makes you retch.

Same principle.

Yet for some reason we can’t forgive Guttenberg. Like Pippen, like Sambora, he was never meant to carry the load, but can you blame any of them for trying? We challenge any of you to go toe to toe with Tom Selleck’s mustache and not dream of something better. But now that he’s been to the mountaintop and found it barren and unfeeling, it’s time for The Gutte to get back to basics. It’s time to get back in the fold. It’s time for Police Academy 8.

To Mel With You!

2006-08-04T15:29:00.000-04:00

We know it's been a while since this Mel Gibson thing happened, and that we've yet to weigh in on it. Frankly, we've been fairly confident something shook up Mr. Gibson's Etch-A-Sketch since way back in the What Women Want days. So the fact that he got his Henry Ford on last week doesn't really motivate us. But it did make us reflect on some other celebrity meltdowns we've enjoyed in the past (whither thou, dehydrated Martin Lawrence?), and more importantly made us wonder: who's the trainwreck of the future? It's Hollywood, after all -- there's a whole lotta crazy to go around. Below, we handicap our best bets for spontaneous, career-ending combustion ten or twenty (or two) years down the road.

Heath Ledger: Heath's a family man, lives in Brooklyn, and actually seems more focused on perfecting his craft than owning Page Six. He's never even schtupped his nanny. We'll even overlook the fact that he's apparently unstable enough to play the Joker. No way he should even be on this list. Except that he a) is Australian and b) starred in The Patriot. SOUND FAMILIAR? (12:1)

Jeremy Piven: We love Ari Gold. Hell, we even loved PCU. And rumors that Jeremy's started taking on some of the more unflattering traits of his Entourage super-agent alter ego don't necessarily scream "unstable." No, we were totally fine with Jeremy, until it was revealed that he is a "well-known swordsman," and that he bothers picking fights with Stephen Dorff. That's a volitile combination, friends. Just ask Blade. (7:1)

Jake Gyllenhaal: Heath Ledger (see above) tried to compensate for Brokeback Mountain by starring as Casanova and impregnating his wife. Since Jake is unmarried and as yet unsigned to star in The Wilt Chamberlain Story, we could see him trying to make up for his (perceived) dilution in manhood other ways. Like, say, hookers and blow. Lots... and lots... and lots... of hookers and blow. But really, is that so wrong? (5:1)

Topher Grace: He seems like a nice, quiet guy who keeps mostly to himself. Then again, that's what they said about Jeffrey Dahmer. (15:1)

Jimmy Fallon: Okay, not really. We just want to see him roughed up a little bit. And in jail. And not laughing at his own jokes. Is that so much to ask? (20:1)

Jude Law: Between the Fall of 2003 and Summer of 2004, Jude Law either starred or was prominently featured in no fewer than 87 films. Since then? Not a peep, except for some good ol' fashioned nanny-schtupping. Career lull or bender? Time will tell, but we're hoping for the latter, and for a Nolte-esque mug shot. (10:1)

But really, all of those guys are sucker's bets. The smart money?

Colin Farrell: Drinks a lot. Smokes a lot. Has an unconscionable amount of sex (but has he ever loved?). Strong accent. And, perhaps most importantly, has wildly unpredictable facial hair. The question isn't if, but when, and how many woodland creatures will be involved? There's no such thing as a sure thing in this life, but Colin's about as close as you're going to get. (3:2)

Know your... Molinas

2006-08-02T20:36:00.000-04:00

There's a piece of old baseball wisdom that says, "You can't tell the Molinas without a blog post." Or something.

In the spirit of that saying, and as a public service for all the baseball fans out there who have no idea which Molina brother is which, here is a handy guide to their teams, positions, and what their answers might well have been to various "Hodgepodge" questions on a college application.

Bengie Molina

Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Catcher
Bats: Right
Throws: Right

Favorite Recording: "Here I go Again" - Whitesnake

Jose Molina

Team: Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim
Position: Catcher
Bats: Right
Throws: Right
Favorite Book: The Devil Wears Prada - Lauren Weisberger

Yadier Molina

Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Catcher
Bats: Right
Throws: Right
Best Piece of Advise You've Ever Received: "Never let some idiot with a blog write a post about you and your brothers."

Oops.

This concludes the public service portion of this post. Now, a picture of the guy from Whitesnake.

Thank you.

Open Letter: Floyd Landis

2006-07-28T13:25:00.000-04:00

Dear Floyd,

Forgive us, but we don't yet know how we feel about your (alleged) doping. Part of us is (allegedly) furious, because cheating is just plain wrong, unless you are Hugh Grant and it is 1995, in which case cheating is both wrong and totally irrational.

On the other hand, you've stuck an extremely sharp stick in the effette and ineffectual hornet's nest that is French national indignation.

We (allegedly) respect that.

The real problem, though, is that we don't know Floyd Landis from a steroid-fueled hole in the wall, and you're short-circuiting our "are we in this guy's corner" scorecard. To wit:

Overcome physical adversity? Check, but a bum hip ain't exactly cancer of the dingleyams.

Look like a regular, good time guy? You look like Kid Rock, if Kid Rock had turned out the way Kid Rock's mother always wanted. That might be regular, but it's hard to find the good.

Underdog? Well, you were going to be until Jan Ullrich and Ivan Basso unexpectedly dropped out of the race... because of doping.

Unpredictable facial hair? Okay... we'll give you that one.

But you can see how we might be conflicted.

Give us something, here, Floyd. Give us a sign if we should hate you or love you. Donate your Tour winnings to charity, leave your wife for an aging pop rocker (might we suggest Meredith Brooks?). Anything. But do it quick, because when we get into slurred, drunken debates about you this weekend, we want to know where we stand.

(Allegedly).

Best,

PopChronic

Manute Bol: I'm Tall and Black

2006-07-27T12:15:00.000-04:00

Manute Bol, former professional basketball player and noted celebrity boxer, reveals that he is tall and black, in an exclusive interview with PopChronic.

"I knew I was on this mediocre team and I had four other guy's mediocre careers in my hand, and I knew that if I ever let on (that I was tall and black), it would overpower everything," says Bol, referring to former Washington Bullets starters Moses and Jeff Malone, Michael Adams, and Mugsey Bogues.

"I didn't know: could that be the end of the Bullets? So I had that weight on me. And I just kept it hidden from everyone," says the 7'7" Sudanese two-time NBA blocks leader.

Now, after years of keeping his height and ethnicity private, Bol, 45, is publicly revealing what he first shared with his friends, then shocked his family.

"I back him up 100%," says longtime friend Mike Piazza. "And this finally explains why he always drives convertibles."

Bol, who retired several years ago from professional basketball, has since been dividing his time between charitable efforts benefiting Sudanese refugees and being a freakishly proportioned minor league hockey player. He is also developing a Perfect Strangers-inspired sitcom with Piazza in which his character will be tall and black.

"The thing is, I'm not ashamed," he explains of his decision to come out. "I don't think there's anything wrong with it. If there's anything that can be gained from this, it's that other tall black people can feel at ease in their own skin. So to speak."

As for why he's talking about it now, Bol said, "I've got a roller derby gig this weekend; I'm playing one game as a jammer for the Honky Tonk Heartbreakers. I couldn't feel right about yet another publicity stunt based on my freakish proportions without feeling right about myself."

Greetings and Salutations

2006-07-27T09:41:00.000-04:00

Hey yo. Let me be the first to officially welcome each and every one of you to PopChronic. I am but one of your humble hosts, but I felt the need to properly introduce myself to the reading public -- because let's be honest, why the hell should you give a damn what I post if you don't know the first thing about me?

El Stzl

Origin of name: a nickname from seventh grade which has gone through 6 or 7 variants.

Likes: Kittens, flowers, long walks on the beach, the occasional verbal and/or physical evisceration of unwitting strangers or people who look at me wrong.

Dislikes: Celebra-whores, people who can't f'ing drive, working for a living.

Humor: Mean, sarcastic, curse-laden, and really not that funny.

Well, that's me. Now that you really don't give a shit about me, let me leave you with something that's actually downright hysterical. I shouldn't be pointing our soon-to-be loyal readers to another blog on the network, but take it as a show of good faith.

Reason to think twice before cheating on a woman

Go all the way to the first post and read it through. It's good stuff.

Welcome once again, ya'll. Hope you enjoy your toke, and stay classy, San Diego.

[PS: I apologize for removing Erik Estrada from your first glance. As you will undoubtedly come to know, Erik Estrada is a pretty big deal around these parts. I have the single best picture in the history of time, but we'll just save that one for later.]

Pardon Our Progress

2006-07-26T15:22:00.000-04:00

We here at PopChronic are working hard to deliver you the very highest brow commentary on the very lowest brow arts. While we get our act together, please enjoy this complimentary hero shot of Mr. Erik Estrada:

Ponch, you've no doubt heard, will be played by this guy in the 2007 film version of "CHiPs", which strikes us as akin to casting Jaleel White as B.A. Barachus in an "A-Team" remake.

Then again, we would definitely pay ten bucks to see that.